Instead of Setting Boundaries, Get Clear on Your Yes or No.

There is a lot of hype in the personal development world (especially for women!) around “setting boundaries.”  It is my experience that the real opportunity is not so much setting boundaries with other people but to actually get clear INSIDE OF OURSELVES where we stand in a given situation. When we get clear on our own inner “yes” or “no,” it becomes an exercise of lovingly, compassionately communicating our truth verses “setting boundaries” which feels harsh to me (and therefore something that I don’t want to do!) 

So, instead of focusing on setting hard lines with other people, my suggestion is to spend time getting clear inside of yourself.   

Here are 3 Tips to Listening and Finding your own inner “yes” or “no” (and then how to communicate it clearly and lovingly to another person…even if its not the answer they want to hear!) 

  1. CREATE SPACE!  When you are feeling pressed to give an answer or do something that doesn’t feel in alignment, create some space for yourself.  If you are on the spot and engaged in a conversation with a client/boss/family member who asks you to do something that you are unwillingly to do, and you don’t want to say “no” right away, you can say, “hmmm… let me think about that. I will get back to you.”  Make sure you honor your word and GET BACK TO THEM in a reasonable amount of time!

  2. CONNECT WITH YOUR INNER KNOWING: What does this mean?  It means allow yourself to enough room and space to do your own gut check. We ALL know what feels good and if a request is in alignment with us. Often times we are too busy running around being so busy that we don’t allow ourselves the time to connect inwardly.  Different people have different ways of connecting- maybe its going for a walk on the beach, sitting in meditation, or simply unplugging from the computer and phone for 10min and doing some deep breathing.    

  3. COMMUNICATING your “inner boundary” to another person.  THIS is where it gets a little complicated for some of women! In general, we tend to be such people pleasers that its easier to avoid the conversation then to tell someone “no.”  Then we start thinking that we have to “set a boundary” and it sounds so tough and harsh that its easier to just shy away.  I promise you that finding the inner courage (and language) to share your truth and share your inner yes or no is soooo liberating!  And half the time is its what you say but the tone you say it in. If you are clear, empowered, and connected to your truth when you communicate a “boundary” more often then not it will be received gracefully.  Center yourself in your heart and communicate or send the email with clear lines of communication... the “energy” of the communication will be felt on the other side.  

 

 

Heidi StevensComment